rumble in the jungle

People have a real issue with farting infront of someone they've just started dating. When does it become acceptable? Does it ever besome acceptable? I hope not! I've had ex-boyfriends who've felt completely at ease farting around me. EXboyfriends. Now, we didnt break-up because they farted but I'm sure it was a factor. The F-Factor.
I refuse to fart infront of Mr.M (not that he demands I do it mind you). I'd be mortified if I let one slip by accident! As would he I suspect. But I'm only human. So it's not a matter of "if"...but "when". Also my stomach makes weird noises and I feel this compelling urge to say "I didn't fart!". But that would be equally embarrassing dammit!!
He doesn't pass gas infront of me either. So we end up holding it in. And it builds....and builds... kinda like the suspense in a straight to TV horror movie. You know something horrible may happen, but when, where and more importantly will someone die? For once it is a good idea to go outside/up the stairs/into the darkened basement and "investigate".

AVENGERS!!!!AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Mr.M and I could not wait to see "The Avengers" movie so we went to the first possible showing which was at 6pm yesterday. It was in 3D which i was apprehensive about (see Wrath of the Titans post). Now I was very worried as I really wanted it to be awesome and everything amazing. The amount of hype surrounding it (and building in my knickers) would only be justified if it was as amazing as I thought it was going to be. IT was not. It was better.
Seriously people it was simply brilliant. Funny, action pacted, sleek and even at times a little bit sentimental. I laughed a lot too which i wasn't expecting. 5 stars all round. And one of the best things is I can't really take it apart in a pedantic-geek-kind-of-way. I liked how they portryed each character. Where they fitted in plot-wise. I liked the way it didn't feel like 5 movies stuffed into one. There was a natural flow from each of the seperate movies into one, with each character getting just enough screen time and one liners to make it mesh.
Also Mr.M won yours truly a teddy bear from the arcade. Never mind Thor (as he's the hottest), there's my hero.

Breaking News

I've been watching The News more and more lately (showing my age). Either waiting for news that yet another company has going into administration/yet other pastry based item is increasing in price (good news for my waistline). I sit transfixed, as a Bruce Forsythe-esque conveyer belt of misery is pased before my eyes. There is no cuddly toy. I don't know why people watch it. Its more depressing than Eastenders and, in some cases, less educational. Even  the once-in-a-blue-moon positive story is delivered in the same monotone. I can't tell the difference!!!
From watching The News I have gleamed this bit of insight...we're all fucked. The World is fucked. Now, there are two options....
Option 1) Give into heidonisim and live "la vie da loca" until the world (and my liver) implode.
Option 2) Get off my increasingly large arse and find the fucking remote.

blue who?

Feeling a bit down today. Mainly due to the fact that I've realised im nearly 30, I've done nothing with my degree, I'm stuck in a place that is too small and basically my life is not what I expected it to be at this point in my life. Hell it's not even on the right track.
Now I know that it's up to me to sort myself out and get my life sorted etc and become a fufilled and happy person...and i will...I promise. But for now I feel like having a MOAN! Eugh. Argh. Etc.

tongue in cheek

There were no clean spoons in the house when i went to eat my petits filous. I couldn't be bothered to hunt down one to clean, so i decided to eat it as it was. Which I did with great joy. Which then lead me to the conclusion that I would make a great lesbian. In the physical sense only. I couldn't date a woman. I think I'm pretty normal, you know, sane. And inside my head is like a shit storm of anxiety, paranoia and self doubt. And i think im "normal". So i can accept the fact that woman are a little bit crazy (and I do sometimes wonder why any sane person would want to date us) therefore i would not voluntarily walk into that minefield. Luckily the world is made up of women (crazy) and men (stupid), so the species will continue to procreate and thrive.
Anyway I digress, I merely men that in the act of making love (with my mouth) I'm farely confident I could pleasure a woman. Now if you'll excuse me i have to do my yoga.

Wrath of the Titans

Mr M and I went to see "Wrath of the Titans" last week. I did not enjoy it and Mr M kept falling asleep. Now, we are both big lovers of action packed fantasy filled glorious fight scene epics. This film unfortunately did not live up to the hype. The original "Clash of the Titans" with its stop screen animation and badly dressed actors will always have a place in my heart. I LOVE it. Which is the main reason i went to see the new revamped version a couple of years back. And i actually enjoyed it. Plot was a little different from the original and the Gods didnt feature as much as i would have liked, but yeah, i liked it. So i thought "Wrath..." would be eequally as pleasing. It was not. ANd this is why....

1) There was no back story re: Kronos and how he created the universe, created the gods and subsequently tried to kill them by eating them but only Zeus escaped and then freed his brothers and sisters. This would have been an opportunity to really dazzle with some "in the stars" CGI and would have laid the foundations to a story with a bit more depth and history. Rather than Zeus turning up at Perseus' door one day, "Pa sure is mad i made him stop eating ma bruders and sisturs huck huck huck".
2) Give me a chance to get my head around the time that has passed. I've barely understood that Lo (his love interest in first movie) is dead, and that Perseus now has a son before shit starts happening! How did she die? Do you blame the gods (who could probably have saved her and because they didn't you won't help now?).
3)Hold the camera steady for fuck sake. This ain't Blair witch! With sooooo much action being squeezed into every available corner of the screen I need some kind of centre to keep me from throwing up!!!! It's hard enough to focus without feeling like im watching this thing on a boat. The screen is so saturated its hard to see whats actually going on and why.
4) Some things are a little bit hard to believe. Now, Gods/Demons/Cyclops/Two headed fire breathing monstrosities...all these i can believe (I know thy're real, I've seen them in comics). But the thing i don't believe, is this. It's the last stand. Against a big living volcano man and hundreds of lava covered hades spawn. Ok. "How do we defeat them?" I hear you cry. Well luckily Agenor has a GREAT idea. Lets stick big wooden (flammable) sharpened posts into the ground infront of the army...oh! and lets cover ourselves in cold mud that way Predator won't see us....wait...wrong movie. Anyway bascially they decide to surround themselves with as much flammable stuff as possible. And surely Agenor finds this aborant as he longs for the sea and hates being dry (don't we all).
5) Queen Andromeda. She's shoved in as a failsafe love interest. It's unbelievable. It seems desperate. And he doesn't really seem interested in her until the last 5 minutes were he kisses her. For no apparant reason. Except that they're still alive and it's the adrenaline kicking in. He'll wake up in 3 months time realise it was all a mistake and go back to fishing.
6) Sam Worthingtons accent. Heres a tip mate. If you're doing a sequel, watch (and listen) the last one to see what kind of accent you used last time. Ya flaming galah!

And whatever you do DO NOT see it in 3D. You'll puke or have a seizure of some kind.

mmm secret pizza

Got in from the pub last night quite early. Wasn't that drunk, but i still felt justified in eating AN ENTIRE PIZZA. All. On. My. Own. Triple cheese i think it was. I mauled that pizza. I practically deep throated the fucker. Oh and I was dipping it in mayonnaise??? Could practically feel my heart slowing down with the  effort it was taking to eat it. I was going to read some Ultimate Xmen but my booze (and cheese) adeled brain managed to remember the grease and mayonnaise on my fingers would destroy my beloved comic. SO i sat staring at the front cover shoving pizza in my face hole. Did i put the pizza down wash my hands and read the comic with one hand and eat pizza with the other? Nope. You need both hands to tackle 12 inches apparantly.

Doggy style

I love my dog. Hes awesome. Theres nothing like the unconditonal love you get from a dog. I've been lucky enough to love 3 dogs in my life. One of our dogs is very ill and coming to the end of his long and (i hope) happy life. He's more like my brother/my baby. It's a strange love, but don't question it. Just embrace it.

 Everyone should have a dog. Especially when you're a kid. Just to experience the love you can feel. Hell i love strange dogs i meet in the street. Sometimes i love two dogs at a time. Just finished watching Marley & Me. It's like my porn. Except its tears running down my face at the end, not spunk.

dear reproductive system

Why oh why can't you leave me a little note in my knickers once a month saying "Good news team, we're not pregnant. See you next month."
You don't see Wonder Woman or Emma Frost walking into a very important meeting 10 minutes late, being asked "WHY??" by annoyed men and having to reply, "Sorry, i was changing my tampon." OR... bending over mid-battle with mind numbing cramps reaching for a hot water bottle and spending the rest of the day in bed eating chocolate, watching crap and crying at every little thing that falls into your peripheral vision....
And if they don't have to put up with I dont see why I should.
No, I don't care that they are ficticous characters.
Also, women in Star Trek (possibly best tv show EVER) never visit sick bay with PMS and cramps that would cripple an elephant. No fair.....then again I've never seen Picard asking for advice on erectile dysfunction either.

whats that merkin in the corner?

Ok. So our shower has been playing up of late in that the drain is clearly blocked and im in danger of drowning if the shower filled up with water as that is claerly possible and im not overreacting in anyway....

I decided to tackle the problem head (and marigolds) on and check out what was blocking the drain. I should have left the marigolds and brought a shot gun. And maybe a posse. I quite like the idea being a strong woman at the head of a bounty hunting, bean eating, booze guzzlin' posse...but i digress. The "thing" i pulled from the drain was vile. A retched thing made up of disgarded hair and god knows what, an unloved, unwanted creature that looked like it could have taken on a medium sized cat and won. Won and promptly consumed said cat. Now, i should have thrown it in the bin (or open fire if only the landlord would let me have one *sigh*) but i decided to conduct an experiement. I left Terry (yes i named it) in the shower at the side to see if any of my fellow housemates would lift and dispose of Terry. They didnt. He was waiting for me when i took a shower there now. So I had to do it. Terry had dried up somewhat and his dryness added tenfold to vileness. It was like Susan Boyles fanny had fallen off and it was my job to pick it up and stick it back on.

punch-tuation

I have been informed by my boyfriend (title under consideration) that i should be using proper punctuation. I do take some pleasure in ignoring his advice in most instances but in this case i have to agree. Begrudingly. You may have won this little victory Mr M but be warned. You're in for the tickle of a lifetime. *cue meniacle laugh*

i spy with my special eye

reading comics gave me a headache. eye strain is balls. as is needing glasses. sometimes. it is fun to pretend im watching the world through a tiny tv screen (that is for some reason balanced on the coffee table that is my nose). removes me from reality a little, though most would say im removed enough as it is. need to hop on a bus and visit reality in the nursing home i dumped her in. talk her for a stoll down beside the sea side. she always liked that. silly old bitch.
                                         

pass the shovel

have decided not to go out and get drunk. im staying in and reading my comics whilst eating mashed potato. life is sweet.

be gentle its my first time

so first blog. mmm
i dont really have much to say about today other than it was not good. you ever find that life likes to remind you that shitty stuff happens? like you could forget.but it seems to occur when you think you're doing ok. does it only seem shitty because your life is going ok though. like shitty by comparisson? and then if you compare the shitty thing to shitty things going on in other peoples lives its not actually that shitty. like shitty top trumps.
christ this is a depressing first blog! im not usually this depressing only for the shitty thing that happened today. it didnt happen to me directly which is probably why im in a reflective/phylisophical mood and not lying in the gutter choking on vomit and barely chewed kebab (which is how i prefer to deal with the shitty things that come my way) though kebabs do give me the runs.
and now im talking about having diarrhoea.

if thats not shitty i dont know what is.