lost blog

Found this sitting as a draft when I was going through old blogs. Thought I'd publish it seeing as I just got my hair done and it's a nice sort of "before and after" of how I was feeling about my hair. Or rather an "after and before" since I've published them arsed about face(that means the wrong way around in Ireland). So here it is...or it was...anyway shut up and read it.

I need a hair-cut. Badly. My split ends have split ends! My hair is my favorite accessory and I need to start taking better care of it. Not to sound like a hair commercial, but I do put my locks through a lot. I bleach it, curl it, and straighten it constantly. Not to mention the amount of back combing (which I have become very fond of lately). My poor hair has started to resemble Bett Lynchs' beaver. Only she parts it with a leapord print thong and not a comb...

read the signs

Mr M informs me I'm turning into that housemate. You know the one. The one who leaves helpful signs around the communal areas telling you what you should be doing and when.
Now, I will willingly admit that I put up those signs. I had to. They have turned me into this neurotic person. With their messiness and laziness and annoyingness.
 Who leaves dirt cups with 3 day old tea bags lying in them? They do. Who leaves bowls lying with water in them and calls it "washing up"? They do. Who NEVER cleans any part of the house. They do...well they don't but you know what i mean. They never pay attention to my signs.

Maybe i should leave a sign in the shower... Who gets over friendly with the showerhead when she feels lonely? That's right... I do.

does not compute

Has no one in those IBM adverts watched The Matrix/The Terminator? Making machines that know they need to be repaired soon before they break down??? Why dont we all just shave our heads, climb into a bath of pink goo, plug ourselves into the mains and cut to the chase. I worry sometimes my laptop is monitoring everything I type and is putting all the information its collected about me in some kind of  big scary database, full of information about me and millions of other people around the world. Learning about us. Using images from our computers to use facial recognition to track us. Logging where we go and who we go with. Invading our privacy and monitoring our every thought...

dog eat dog..

My mum insists that when we give the dogs a bit of our food we make sure we give each of them exactly equal amounts. I genuinely thinks that she thinks the dogs have some kind of "love off" when we all go to bed. Like one dog is all like "they gave me 8g of chicken and you only got 6g!they love me more!suck it!". Even if one dog is in another room, and can't actually see me feed the other dog she insists I go in and give him some too. She's crazy. That or the dogs are bullying her...

crowning glory

Got my hair done today. Colour cut and styled. Cost a fortune. However I think, as a woman, you're allowed to splurge on your hair from time to time. It's my favourite accessory and can make/break any outfit. If my hair doesn't look right, it really doesn't matter if im wearing the nicest dress in the world, I'd feel like crap. My mother keeps on at me to dye it back to its mousy, dull, uninspiring original colour. I like this ice-blonde I'm currently rocking! I look like Marylin Monroe (when the lights are dimmed, the mirror is sufficiently vaselined and I've poked you in the eyes... ).

swollen tip

I haven't posted on here in 3 fucking months! Shocking behaviour. I have no excuse except laziness and .....malais. Love that word. Dunno what it means exactly. Sounds like a scottish person hurt their legs.
Anyhow, I'm typing this with typically slightly raw and swollen fingertips. Not from the usual exploits I assure you. I've been getting creative again (which really should be the usual exploits since i spent all that money getting thon degree in Art not Self loving). Making things is both enjoyable and stressful. Mainly when a dealine is involved. They should change that bloody word for starters. DEADline. Bound to get you a bit stressed. Prefer FINISHline. Especially when i finish first. Hence the usually swollen fingertips.

So now im back, from outerspace...

I wasn't really in space. I've committed the ultimate crime. I became one of those women who enters into a relationship and slowly lets parts of her life fall by the wayside as she drives full throttle down the highway of sexual gratification. I'd say sorry...but my mother taught me not to speak with my mouth full.

So now I'm back in the real world (well online world) I shall endevour to be more consistent!!!
Sooo... what's new with me?
Still dating Mr M (blame him for my absence).
Still in the same job (blame it for my alcohol abuse).
Still living in the same house (landlord blames me for the smell).
So muchly much the same but I'm feeling more positive, more accepting and ready to make some changes. Mr M is leaving for an undisclosed location in a sucky-ass-hole-country which I shall not be petty and name..y'all. I'm gonna take on a few new projects as I'll have plenty of time on my hands till his return at Christmas. Like Jesus...only I don't feel guilty about thinking about Mr M when i masterbate.

im judge dreading this...

Just watched the trailer for the "new" Judge Dredd movie....mmmm

were to begin.

First ..."The Rookie". Now picture the scene. You're about to go against the biggest badass drug dealing boss who has an entire skyscraper full of badass druggie henchmen who would like you to be mostly dead. Gun? Check. Armour? Check. One liners? Check....feels like I've forgotten something though...oh yeah! An inexperienced rookie who knows nothing about this kind of situation/ the pressure that comes with it or where she left her helmet apparantly. Surely lesson number one at judgey day care was PUT YOUR FUCKING HELMET ON.

Second...Judge Dredd. He looks like he's trying to do a Sly Stallone as Judge Dredd impersonation. Badly.

Also his unifrom is more than half way homo-erotic. Like he got called in for work and he was in the club with his boy and had to rush straight from there. Sweaty balls and all

Thirdly...The bad guy, or in this case bad girl, Momo or whatever her name is. Now the big question is this...did she invent the drug so she could call it something that sounds something like her stupid name OR is it a poorly thought up nickname brought about by the drug? The answer? Either way its stupid.

And finally the drug itself...Slow Mo??? If it makes time slow down and you're reactions are slower, surely the police would be able to catch the fuckers on it???? "Quick!! Watch out! He's getting away...very slowly...." Think I'll go remake the dinner i ate earlier...might be shit though....

The Adventures of Geek Girl...Part 1

p-p-pick up a pencil

Starting drawing a comic. Just a few wee sketches, nothing too serious yet. Thinking of starting a regular Geek Girl comic strip. Give me something to do in the long cold evenings. When Mr M isn't around to entertain/drive me insane.
So keep your eyes (and your oranges) peeled for The Adventures of Geek Girl.

Back off!!!

People don't seem to have a grasp on the very important concept of "personal space". I rather enjoy having my peronal space to myself. Hence the term "personal". The knowledge that I am not going to get a sweaty pit shoved in my face soothes me for some reason. So I have something to say to those (less face it) rude fuckers out there who put their Hitler hat on and invade the personal space of unsuspecting folks. We don't enjoy you brushing against us on the bus, standing far too close in a queue, or leaning over us at the bar when there is clearly space for all of us. We find this weird, uncomfortable and completely unecessary. I once had a woman basically mount me from behind trying to get served before me at my local. I felt completely justified in walking away and getting the barman to charge her for my drink. Least she could do. Fucker got to 2nd base.

I stood on a frog I swear...

Accidently farted in bed with Mr.M this morning. Tried to pass it off as loud ducks flying overhead. He didnt buy it. So...now I have to get him to fart in front of me. A lot. Had a couple of ideas on how to acheive this. One inolves force feeding him beans whilst he sleeps. The other includes a woopie cushion, a pencil and a lot of lube....

Drippling Gravy

I am currently the colour of gravy. Fake tan. Thank fuck it doesn't smell like gravy. Or I'd be curled up like my dog doing a bit of self loving.

Rinse and repeat

What's the deal with classic (and not so classic) films being re-made?
Why are franchises going on and on?
Is there no creativity and original thinking left in the movie making industry?
Pretty sure I saw a poster for Madagasgar 7 outside the cinema. Inside the cinema I watched a preview for "Stupid action movie 2" (can't remember its name). I'm sick of it. And if I'm sick of it, it means other people are sick of it. Or, of listening to me complain. Either way no-ones happy. So make NEW and ORIGINAL  films to entertain me please. Or a large ball of twine.

Boobs and Moobs

Jubbles. Bangers. Funbags. We've so many name for breasts. Most of them I've learnt from Gok Wan. Lately I've seen loads of women with huge boobs. Which is fine. What's not fine is the fact they are wearing really, really bad bras! Or in some cases...NO BRA. Their boobs end up down round their waist or look like they're lyng on their backs!! I used to have big boobs but I always made sure I had a good bra on. It was that or tuck them into my waistband. When I lost loads of weight lately I had to throw out something like 43 bras (I have an obssession with frilly undies). It was a sad day. Now every woman should own a decent bra (or in my case 43) that lifts and supports your jubblies. If they don't, you end up with tits that look like a pair of oranges in an old sock. Plus a good bra makes you look thinner (again according to Gok). Thats why I wear 3 at a time.

rumble in the jungle

People have a real issue with farting infront of someone they've just started dating. When does it become acceptable? Does it ever besome acceptable? I hope not! I've had ex-boyfriends who've felt completely at ease farting around me. EXboyfriends. Now, we didnt break-up because they farted but I'm sure it was a factor. The F-Factor.
I refuse to fart infront of Mr.M (not that he demands I do it mind you). I'd be mortified if I let one slip by accident! As would he I suspect. But I'm only human. So it's not a matter of "if"...but "when". Also my stomach makes weird noises and I feel this compelling urge to say "I didn't fart!". But that would be equally embarrassing dammit!!
He doesn't pass gas infront of me either. So we end up holding it in. And it builds....and builds... kinda like the suspense in a straight to TV horror movie. You know something horrible may happen, but when, where and more importantly will someone die? For once it is a good idea to go outside/up the stairs/into the darkened basement and "investigate".

AVENGERS!!!!AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!

Mr.M and I could not wait to see "The Avengers" movie so we went to the first possible showing which was at 6pm yesterday. It was in 3D which i was apprehensive about (see Wrath of the Titans post). Now I was very worried as I really wanted it to be awesome and everything amazing. The amount of hype surrounding it (and building in my knickers) would only be justified if it was as amazing as I thought it was going to be. IT was not. It was better.
Seriously people it was simply brilliant. Funny, action pacted, sleek and even at times a little bit sentimental. I laughed a lot too which i wasn't expecting. 5 stars all round. And one of the best things is I can't really take it apart in a pedantic-geek-kind-of-way. I liked how they portryed each character. Where they fitted in plot-wise. I liked the way it didn't feel like 5 movies stuffed into one. There was a natural flow from each of the seperate movies into one, with each character getting just enough screen time and one liners to make it mesh.
Also Mr.M won yours truly a teddy bear from the arcade. Never mind Thor (as he's the hottest), there's my hero.

Breaking News

I've been watching The News more and more lately (showing my age). Either waiting for news that yet another company has going into administration/yet other pastry based item is increasing in price (good news for my waistline). I sit transfixed, as a Bruce Forsythe-esque conveyer belt of misery is pased before my eyes. There is no cuddly toy. I don't know why people watch it. Its more depressing than Eastenders and, in some cases, less educational. Even  the once-in-a-blue-moon positive story is delivered in the same monotone. I can't tell the difference!!!
From watching The News I have gleamed this bit of insight...we're all fucked. The World is fucked. Now, there are two options....
Option 1) Give into heidonisim and live "la vie da loca" until the world (and my liver) implode.
Option 2) Get off my increasingly large arse and find the fucking remote.

blue who?

Feeling a bit down today. Mainly due to the fact that I've realised im nearly 30, I've done nothing with my degree, I'm stuck in a place that is too small and basically my life is not what I expected it to be at this point in my life. Hell it's not even on the right track.
Now I know that it's up to me to sort myself out and get my life sorted etc and become a fufilled and happy person...and i will...I promise. But for now I feel like having a MOAN! Eugh. Argh. Etc.

tongue in cheek

There were no clean spoons in the house when i went to eat my petits filous. I couldn't be bothered to hunt down one to clean, so i decided to eat it as it was. Which I did with great joy. Which then lead me to the conclusion that I would make a great lesbian. In the physical sense only. I couldn't date a woman. I think I'm pretty normal, you know, sane. And inside my head is like a shit storm of anxiety, paranoia and self doubt. And i think im "normal". So i can accept the fact that woman are a little bit crazy (and I do sometimes wonder why any sane person would want to date us) therefore i would not voluntarily walk into that minefield. Luckily the world is made up of women (crazy) and men (stupid), so the species will continue to procreate and thrive.
Anyway I digress, I merely men that in the act of making love (with my mouth) I'm farely confident I could pleasure a woman. Now if you'll excuse me i have to do my yoga.

Wrath of the Titans

Mr M and I went to see "Wrath of the Titans" last week. I did not enjoy it and Mr M kept falling asleep. Now, we are both big lovers of action packed fantasy filled glorious fight scene epics. This film unfortunately did not live up to the hype. The original "Clash of the Titans" with its stop screen animation and badly dressed actors will always have a place in my heart. I LOVE it. Which is the main reason i went to see the new revamped version a couple of years back. And i actually enjoyed it. Plot was a little different from the original and the Gods didnt feature as much as i would have liked, but yeah, i liked it. So i thought "Wrath..." would be eequally as pleasing. It was not. ANd this is why....

1) There was no back story re: Kronos and how he created the universe, created the gods and subsequently tried to kill them by eating them but only Zeus escaped and then freed his brothers and sisters. This would have been an opportunity to really dazzle with some "in the stars" CGI and would have laid the foundations to a story with a bit more depth and history. Rather than Zeus turning up at Perseus' door one day, "Pa sure is mad i made him stop eating ma bruders and sisturs huck huck huck".
2) Give me a chance to get my head around the time that has passed. I've barely understood that Lo (his love interest in first movie) is dead, and that Perseus now has a son before shit starts happening! How did she die? Do you blame the gods (who could probably have saved her and because they didn't you won't help now?).
3)Hold the camera steady for fuck sake. This ain't Blair witch! With sooooo much action being squeezed into every available corner of the screen I need some kind of centre to keep me from throwing up!!!! It's hard enough to focus without feeling like im watching this thing on a boat. The screen is so saturated its hard to see whats actually going on and why.
4) Some things are a little bit hard to believe. Now, Gods/Demons/Cyclops/Two headed fire breathing monstrosities...all these i can believe (I know thy're real, I've seen them in comics). But the thing i don't believe, is this. It's the last stand. Against a big living volcano man and hundreds of lava covered hades spawn. Ok. "How do we defeat them?" I hear you cry. Well luckily Agenor has a GREAT idea. Lets stick big wooden (flammable) sharpened posts into the ground infront of the army...oh! and lets cover ourselves in cold mud that way Predator won't see us....wait...wrong movie. Anyway bascially they decide to surround themselves with as much flammable stuff as possible. And surely Agenor finds this aborant as he longs for the sea and hates being dry (don't we all).
5) Queen Andromeda. She's shoved in as a failsafe love interest. It's unbelievable. It seems desperate. And he doesn't really seem interested in her until the last 5 minutes were he kisses her. For no apparant reason. Except that they're still alive and it's the adrenaline kicking in. He'll wake up in 3 months time realise it was all a mistake and go back to fishing.
6) Sam Worthingtons accent. Heres a tip mate. If you're doing a sequel, watch (and listen) the last one to see what kind of accent you used last time. Ya flaming galah!

And whatever you do DO NOT see it in 3D. You'll puke or have a seizure of some kind.

mmm secret pizza

Got in from the pub last night quite early. Wasn't that drunk, but i still felt justified in eating AN ENTIRE PIZZA. All. On. My. Own. Triple cheese i think it was. I mauled that pizza. I practically deep throated the fucker. Oh and I was dipping it in mayonnaise??? Could practically feel my heart slowing down with the  effort it was taking to eat it. I was going to read some Ultimate Xmen but my booze (and cheese) adeled brain managed to remember the grease and mayonnaise on my fingers would destroy my beloved comic. SO i sat staring at the front cover shoving pizza in my face hole. Did i put the pizza down wash my hands and read the comic with one hand and eat pizza with the other? Nope. You need both hands to tackle 12 inches apparantly.

Doggy style

I love my dog. Hes awesome. Theres nothing like the unconditonal love you get from a dog. I've been lucky enough to love 3 dogs in my life. One of our dogs is very ill and coming to the end of his long and (i hope) happy life. He's more like my brother/my baby. It's a strange love, but don't question it. Just embrace it.

 Everyone should have a dog. Especially when you're a kid. Just to experience the love you can feel. Hell i love strange dogs i meet in the street. Sometimes i love two dogs at a time. Just finished watching Marley & Me. It's like my porn. Except its tears running down my face at the end, not spunk.

dear reproductive system

Why oh why can't you leave me a little note in my knickers once a month saying "Good news team, we're not pregnant. See you next month."
You don't see Wonder Woman or Emma Frost walking into a very important meeting 10 minutes late, being asked "WHY??" by annoyed men and having to reply, "Sorry, i was changing my tampon." OR... bending over mid-battle with mind numbing cramps reaching for a hot water bottle and spending the rest of the day in bed eating chocolate, watching crap and crying at every little thing that falls into your peripheral vision....
And if they don't have to put up with I dont see why I should.
No, I don't care that they are ficticous characters.
Also, women in Star Trek (possibly best tv show EVER) never visit sick bay with PMS and cramps that would cripple an elephant. No fair.....then again I've never seen Picard asking for advice on erectile dysfunction either.

whats that merkin in the corner?

Ok. So our shower has been playing up of late in that the drain is clearly blocked and im in danger of drowning if the shower filled up with water as that is claerly possible and im not overreacting in anyway....

I decided to tackle the problem head (and marigolds) on and check out what was blocking the drain. I should have left the marigolds and brought a shot gun. And maybe a posse. I quite like the idea being a strong woman at the head of a bounty hunting, bean eating, booze guzzlin' posse...but i digress. The "thing" i pulled from the drain was vile. A retched thing made up of disgarded hair and god knows what, an unloved, unwanted creature that looked like it could have taken on a medium sized cat and won. Won and promptly consumed said cat. Now, i should have thrown it in the bin (or open fire if only the landlord would let me have one *sigh*) but i decided to conduct an experiement. I left Terry (yes i named it) in the shower at the side to see if any of my fellow housemates would lift and dispose of Terry. They didnt. He was waiting for me when i took a shower there now. So I had to do it. Terry had dried up somewhat and his dryness added tenfold to vileness. It was like Susan Boyles fanny had fallen off and it was my job to pick it up and stick it back on.

punch-tuation

I have been informed by my boyfriend (title under consideration) that i should be using proper punctuation. I do take some pleasure in ignoring his advice in most instances but in this case i have to agree. Begrudingly. You may have won this little victory Mr M but be warned. You're in for the tickle of a lifetime. *cue meniacle laugh*

i spy with my special eye

reading comics gave me a headache. eye strain is balls. as is needing glasses. sometimes. it is fun to pretend im watching the world through a tiny tv screen (that is for some reason balanced on the coffee table that is my nose). removes me from reality a little, though most would say im removed enough as it is. need to hop on a bus and visit reality in the nursing home i dumped her in. talk her for a stoll down beside the sea side. she always liked that. silly old bitch.
                                         

pass the shovel

have decided not to go out and get drunk. im staying in and reading my comics whilst eating mashed potato. life is sweet.

be gentle its my first time

so first blog. mmm
i dont really have much to say about today other than it was not good. you ever find that life likes to remind you that shitty stuff happens? like you could forget.but it seems to occur when you think you're doing ok. does it only seem shitty because your life is going ok though. like shitty by comparisson? and then if you compare the shitty thing to shitty things going on in other peoples lives its not actually that shitty. like shitty top trumps.
christ this is a depressing first blog! im not usually this depressing only for the shitty thing that happened today. it didnt happen to me directly which is probably why im in a reflective/phylisophical mood and not lying in the gutter choking on vomit and barely chewed kebab (which is how i prefer to deal with the shitty things that come my way) though kebabs do give me the runs.
and now im talking about having diarrhoea.

if thats not shitty i dont know what is.